The Estate

The Staff

The Absolute Jaffa estate employs specialists across fifteen disciplines. Some have been here for decades. Some arrived last season and show no signs of leaving. All of them understand, without needing to be told, that the fruit comes first, the cricket comes second, and everything else can wait until after tea.

We do not hold interviews. People tend to arrive at the grove when they are needed, usually during harvest, and stay because they cannot think of a good reason not to.

The Grove

Cultivation, harvest, and the general wellbeing of the trees.

The Grove
Andy C
AC
Head Grower
Seasons All of them
Delivery The late outswinger that finishes near the marmalade shed
Conditions Golden hour, TMS on, no interruptions

Fifth-generation custodian. Maintains that the fruit responds to commentary. Delays harvest if the light is good. Believes Ebony Rainford-Brent produces the sweetest crop and that this is not a coincidence.

Horse-sized duck or 100 duck-sized horses?
The horse-sized duck. "You can bowl at a duck. You can't bowl at a hundred of anything."
The Grove
Margaret R
MR
Director of Ripeness
Seasons 32 (arrived 1994, no days off)
Delivery Knows the exact moment by colour, weight, and "the feeling"
Conditions Any. She does not take days off, though she is always about to.

Has never been wrong. Not once. The grove's most reliable pair of hands, and nobody is close.

Horse-sized duck or 100 duck-sized horses?
100 duck-sized horses. "I would know exactly when each one was ripe for catching."
The Grove
Tom J
TJ
Harvest Coordinator
Seasons Undisclosed
Delivery The 4am wake-up call nobody asked for
Conditions Before sunrise, clipboard in hand

Manages logistics from the Lower Orchard to the packing shed. Owns a clipboard he has never been seen writing on. Refuses to go anywhere without it.

Horse-sized duck or 100 duck-sized horses?
100 duck-sized horses. "I could coordinate them. I have a clipboard."

The Grounds

Pitch maintenance, boundary upkeep, and estate presentation.

The Grounds
Andy S
AS
Groundsman
Seasons Long enough to know what shoes you shouldn't wear
Delivery The perfectly manicured leg-cutter
Conditions March (boundary rope month, whether it needs it or not)

Keeps the pitch, outfield, and boundary in order. Once turned away a delivery driver for inappropriate footwear near the square. Has opinions about what people wear on his ground.

Horse-sized duck or 100 duck-sized horses?
Neither. "Both would damage the square. I am not entertaining this."
The Grounds
David W
DW
Oval Groundskeeper
Seasons Since 2003 (the soil log confirms this)
Delivery The slow, patient one nobody notices until too late
Conditions Quiet. Eastern edge. Undisturbed.

Maintains the practice oval. Quieter than his colleague on the main ground, though no less particular. Keeps a soil moisture log going back 23 years and reads it for pleasure.

Horse-sized duck or 100 duck-sized horses?
The horse-sized duck. Thought about it for three days. Did not explain why.

The Pavilion

Hospitality, provisions, and the important business of tea.

The Pavilion
Lee H
LH
Head of Provisions
Seasons Enough to perfect the marmalade (recipe: classified)
Delivery A tea interval that restores order to the universe
Conditions The kitchen, the Farm Shop, between lunch and stumps

Believes the decline of the traditional cricket tea is a civilisational issue and has written about it at length. Makes a marmalade people travel considerable distances for. Will not disclose the recipe, the method, or even the variety of fruit.

Horse-sized duck or 100 duck-sized horses?
The horse-sized duck. "You could feed the entire pavilion for a week. With the right glaze."
The Pavilion
Paul S
PS
Pavilion Steward
Seasons He was here when you arrived, and he'll be here after you leave
Delivery Remembering your name and drink before you reach the bar
Conditions The Long Room, unhurried

Oversees the Members' Enclosure. Knows every member by name and preferred drink. Has never rushed anyone. The pavilion clock has run four minutes slow since 1962 and he sees no reason to interfere.

Horse-sized duck or 100 duck-sized horses?
Declined to answer. "I don't believe that is the sort of question we entertain in the Long Room."

The Cellar

Wine, pressing, and the more experimental side of the grove's output.

The Cellar
Courtney C
CC
Cellar Mistress
Seasons 7 (arrived 2019, via Georgia, the country)
Delivery The skin-contact amber nobody saw coming
Conditions Cool, dark, and patient

Trained in Georgian winemaking. Brought back a conviction that skin-contact is the only honest way to work with citrus. Experimenting with cricket-ball aged varietals. The cellar smells better since she arrived.

Horse-sized duck or 100 duck-sized horses?
The horse-sized duck. "I would age it in qvevri. Give it six months. It would be extraordinary."
In the Journal
What is Orange Wine?
The Cellar
James E
JE
Juice Engineer
Seasons Several ("the machines here are more interesting")
Delivery The morning press, perfectly timed
Conditions Dawn. Victorian machinery. Silence.

Arrived as a mechanical engineer and stayed because the machines are more interesting. Maintains the Victorian press with a devotion that borders on the romantic. Nobody else is allowed to touch it.

Horse-sized duck or 100 duck-sized horses?
100 duck-sized horses. "Think of the gearing. The torque ratios alone would be fascinating."

The Estate Office

Administration, correspondence, and the careful management of not explaining things.

The Estate Office
Name Withheld
CCO
Chief Citrus Officer
Seasons Hereditary
Delivery The one you never see but somehow always arrives
Conditions Undisclosed

A hereditary position within the Jaffa family. The current holder prefers not to be named in public directories. Correspondence may be directed to the Estate Office.

Horse-sized duck or 100 duck-sized horses?
The Estate Office has no comment on hypothetical waterfowl.
The Estate Office
Name Withheld
NW
Night Watchman
Seasons Unknown
Delivery The dead-bat block at midnight
Conditions Dusk to dawn. Tea at precisely 11pm. Black, no sugar.

Has never reported an incident. We are not entirely sure what he does during his rounds, though the trees look noticeably calmer in the morning. Communicates exclusively via handwritten notes on the Pavilion noticeboard.

Horse-sized duck or 100 duck-sized horses?
Left a handwritten note on the noticeboard that simply read: "The duck. Obviously."
No Formal Title
Boycott
B
The Dog
Seasons All the ones that matter
Delivery Refusing to fetch
Conditions Any meeting. Any department. Anywhere near food.

Holds no formal title but attends all departmental meetings. Leaves the orchard whenever Tufnell is on air. Named after the batsman, not the verb, though he does both.

Horse-sized duck or 100 duck-sized horses?
Stared at the questioner. Yawned. Left the room.

The estate also employs a Head Sommelier, a Cellar Master, and various seasonal staff during harvest.

If you believe you belong at the grove, we suggest you simply turn up during harvest. That is how most of us got here.